I thought someone else had started this already, but I can't find it here. Feel free to move this post to that thread if necessary. So here goes...
Here’s a list of jokes I use for Bible Studies and conference talks. They are pretty funny, and one day I saw a lady laughing so hard — tears were running down her leg.
An old Maine farmer got pulled over by a Maine state trooper for speeding.
The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was writing, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Havin' some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well, yeah, if that's what they are-- I never heard of circle flies. "
So the old Maine farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies 'cause they're almost always found circlin' around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Jim calls out to his golfing partner in excitement, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here." Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?" Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, "Throw me my 9-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
11 people --- one woman and 10 men --- are stuck on an island in the middle of a rising flood. An emergency helicopter arrives and drops a rope. All 11 grab on, but the helicopter can’t handle the weight. The pilot yells down, “Someone is going to have to let go or we are all going to do down.” The woman immediately begins to talk expressing things about submission that women always make sacrifices. “Therefore,” she continued, “I will gladly be the one to let go.” A statement at which the men immediately responded with a round of applause.
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, Please don't let me be late... But please don't shove me either!"
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The First boy said, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy said, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy said, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
A golfer set up his first ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees
he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3 wood, he took another mighty swing, the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead, and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming, and asked, "Are you a good golfer?" to which the man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"
It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.
“Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!”
I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee."
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!"
I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back, "Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?"
JOKE #8 The First Pancake
As Mom was preparing pancakes for her sons, Johnny, 5, and Alex, 3, the boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. The Mom saw the opportunity to teach a moral lesson.
She said, "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Johnny quickly turned to his younger brother and said, "Okay, Alex, you be Jesus!"
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "For heavens sake, I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf, enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy.
Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."